I've been having a series of epiphanies of late. Actually, it was really a single epiphany that triggered an avalanche of serious soul-searching, a major reevaluation of my life, a short-lived panic to move to the far reaches of Quezon City and finally culminated in a two-hour harangue against the Almighty (for those who were at the Chapel of the Blessed Sacrament in Phase 1 BF Homes last Sunday between 9:30-11:30 pm, I sincerely apologize for the strange growling noises) and a nebulous resolve to give up what I’ve been doing all these years to earn my keep as a cook.
Yes, after nearly a decade of happy emotional retardation there is once again a disturbance in the Force and it’s scaring the living Yoda out of me. The recognition of it was disconcerting and not without a sense of foreboding because the first thought that popped into my head was “Tangina, patay ako dito.” Time and circumstance will, of course, tell if this dire prognosis will come true. Right now I’m too petrified to worry about that. Really, all I want to do at this point is to pack my bags and become an OFW in the first country that’ll have me. Preferably it’s some other Third World shithole where I’ll be too busy worrying about not getting knifed and sold for parts to think about anything else.
Fuck almighty, when did I get to be such a wuss at this thing?!
Anyway, I offer this James Morrison song along with the last scrap of my dignity to the fucking Universe. May it be kind and give me what I want.
You Give Me Something
You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep,
And I was meant to tread the water
But now I've gotten in too deep,
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away.
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.
You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me,
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what they mean,
I never thought that I'd love someone,
That was someone else's dream.
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart,
But it might be a second too late,
And the words I could never say
Gonna come out anyway.
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.
Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart
