The Funny Paper

I love reading Buy & Sell. That finger-dirtying rag (Manila Bulletin you have found your match) is as interesting to me as the latest Dan Brown pap. I pore lovingly over each line like a yaya looking for kuto in her alaga’s head. And why not? There are many interesting things to discover. Like Rocky. Rocky not only gives a relaxing massage but he’s also “discreet” (nudge, nudge) and “well-endowed” (nudge, nudge). Yeah, and he lives in my subdivision. Oh Rocky, you is so my daddy!

And eat your heart out children of Narnia! In Antipolo there’s a house that not only has three bedrooms but also its very own walking closet. Unlike those poor children’s closet which only opens out to a frozen wasteland, this one can take you to different places. Think of the possibilities! Walk in one morning and voila you’re in Pancake House Cubao! How about Greenbelt! Enchanted Kingdom! Or 168 Divisoria! Maybe next time it’ll even save you the trip and you’ll walk out in front of your office building. Yiiippeee!

Car thieves of Cubao, rejoice! For the low, low price of only P6,000. you can now have your very own Car Jacking Device. That’s right, it’s thievery made easier. Car technology has really come a long way; I don’t even know some of them. Like, what the fuck is a DVD Rare View Mirror?!

By the way, why is it that most people think that a “lady-driven” car is such a hot deal. I don’t mean to perpetuate the myth but really, ladies are the worst car owners. They just drive the damn thing and not even very well too! My mother, for instance, drives her stick vehicle like it was an automatic. The poor engine positively howls from the strain of hitting 60kph while on second gear. And forget about watchful maintenance. For as long as the AC is cold and the radio’s working, the car is fine as far as a lady’s concerned. A man, on the other hand, is spiritually welded to his car. The average Joe will not hear his own child crying in the next room but he will hear, and be profoundly disturbed, by the tinniest rattle in his car. It doesn’t matter if he’s the only one who can hear it (a cockroach’s death scream is probably louder), a man will make a beeline for the nearest talyer/casa so his favorite mekaniko can find the “problem.” Oh and a man will tear you limb from limb if you so much as breathe too close to his freshly-waxed car. So what gives with this “lady-driven” nonsense in car ads?

Really, reading Buy & Sell is more thought-provoking than the average PR-infested broadsheet. Well, funnier at least.