The cooking show for people who don't give a fuck

I woke up with a massive hangover and a craving for bacon and eggs. As I pondered on the wisdom of having a cardiac breakfast I suddenly hit upon a brilliant idea. Why not do a cooking show that features nothing but fatty delectables? I shall call it “Cooking With Cholesterol” and every week I will feature cholestilicious dishes like Homemade Chicharon Carcar Style (Carcar is a town in Cebu famous for its chunky chicharon which the locals cook in huge woks by the side of the road), Linguine & Pancetta Chunks in Heavy Cream, Bihod sautéed in Butter, Aligue & Garlic, and for the busy moms, Five-Step Lechon Cebu (Step 1: Slaughter good-sized pig; Step 2: Rub pig with mash of sea salt, garlic, lemon grass and star anise—make sure to get the stuff under the pig’s skin. You can also mix up the mash with water and inject the solution directly into the pig’s flesh; Step 3: Stuff the rest of the mash inside pig’s stomach and sew shut; Step 4: Dissolve atsuete in hot water. Baste mixture all over roasting pig using strips of banana leaves. This will give your pig that nice, rosy lechon glow. There are those who might prefer a blue- or green-hued lechon. I say, go wild! You can even have a rainbow-colored lechon for those “gay” nights with friends. Or if you plan to serve it at a children’s party why not deck your pig out in purple and green like Barney, or the red, yellow and blue of Superman. Just buy the appropriate food coloring and baste away! Step 5: Be creative and junk the tired apple-in-the-mouth garnish. Instead of an apple, why not put queso de bola or roast chicken (a two-in-one delight). Or how about a severed de leche head? You can call it Peek-A-Boo or Reverse Birth. Serve and enjoy!).

I imagine I won’t have a hard time finding sponsors for my show. Minola, Purefoods, Nestle, Magnolia, Monterey Meats, RFM, ScanAsia, Santi’s, Terry Selection and other purveyors of fat-rich food will be begging to be my sponsor. Then there’s Biguerlai, Kankunis and other slimming aids. The multinational drug companies, recently under fire for their greedy licensing tricks, can advertise all their outrageously expensive anti-hypertension drugs on my show. Heck, maybe even Vicky Belo, Marie-France and the Calayan Sisters will want to get in on the action too.

Hah! I’ll make a killing! (Uhm, so to speak.)

In time, maybe I can go into merchandising. Of course I’ll start off with a mascot, maybe a fat, jolly-looking heart which I shall call Angina. Then later I can expand to cooking apparel emblazoned with bon mots like “I survived my second triple bypass,” “Vegans are Satan’s spawn,” “Non-fat is for pussies” or “I ate three kilos of liempo, 17 chicken legs, a ham and two gallons of ice cream and all I got was a lousy stroke.”

Now if only I can find a network that’ll fund my pilot…