I have a zit in my right nostril the size of a small child. It’s so bad it looks like I’m about to birth an alien booger baby into the world. I dealt with it the way anyone with an alien problem would: ruthlessly with the help of a sharp instrument—in this case, a nail-cutter. I went and ripped the fucker out. The pain was fantastic and brought tears to my eyes. Sigourney would be proud.
I rooted among my sister’s stash of ointments for benzoyl peroxide. I found countless vials and tubes with arcane descriptions like high performance balancing cleansing oil fresh, crème regenerante contour des yeux, dark spot corrector pen, fraicheur toni-active, ultimate whitening spot eraser, maquiliquide UV perfect forever, but NO benzoyl peroxide. Sweet mother of god, where is acne cream when you need it?!
I was getting desperate. Blood and fluid were dripping out of my zit non-stop. Then I remembered this bit of low-rent homeopathic wisdom. Yes, Colgate! I hurriedly stuffed toothpaste up my nose. Within five seconds I was whimpering for my Mama. What the fuck was I thinking?! I cleaned it up as best as I could, found a bottle of Betadine and shot the contents up my nose.
Well it’s stopped bleeding now and I’m just waiting for the PGH/dental office smell to go away. Tanginang tigyawat!
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